diary of ahde vefa

hi guys i am listening - urge overkill-girl,you'll be a woman soon- while writing here. in sight i have no problem yes i am sitting in my bed and studying an exam which i am going to take 2 months later.

wait a minute..my days goes too fast nowadays. haha i have to remember which event is first or which one is second etc. i even can't remember the sequence of the events. but why my friends? of course it is because of my inner world. it changed a lot. for instance 2 months ago, i was thinking my mother loves me. guess what? she didn't love me from the beginning. besides she is the reason why my father and my sister don't love me, don't listen my words or or don't take me seriously. yes, think a while about this awkward situation.i thought she is the most compassionate one to me for a long time, i trusted her every minute of my life, didn't want to accept her faults to others,i said all my secrets to her , i asked her help for any reason of family.but she? she was and is trying to keep using my father and my sister to control me. i want to say her in face ' hey dillhole, what's up? you can't control me anymore, does it hurt you? i don't call you like in the former times, are you sad? i don't listen and resent you while you are talking behind your husband's back, how are you mom? ohh sorry you haven't got anybody for talking behind your husband.. and you don't have anybody to ask how you should behave the one's who hurt you. in fact you deserved all the bad behaviours and i got they were right to treat you like that.

anyway i forgot which event is first, which is second etc. because of this awareness.

am i ok? no i am not.
am i bad? no i am not.
do i wanna connect or meet some people? no i don't
do i wanna be all alone? no i don't.
do i wanna sleep ? yes but while i am sitting.
do i wanna watch movie? yes but while i am trying to sleep.

inan bilmiyorum hayatım.hiç denemedim çeviri programlarından biriyle yazdıklarımı türkçeye çevirmeyi :)
böyle sataşmaya can kurban tatlış :)

Çeviri yaptığımda o kadar düzgün çevriliyor ki Türkçe'ye, mutlaka bir yerlerde bir hata vardır diye düşündürüyor. normalde abuk subuk çevirmesi gerekmiyor mu?
Olsun, diğer entrylere kıyasla okuması zevkli. (sataşma)

(back to my past)
searching an apartman was a problem at the beginning but the real problem was how do we live in it? we were not married, we weren't engaged, i was only a university student, how would our neighbours behave against us? and should we buy second-hand home stuff or new?(
cause if you are thinking of marrying someone you have to buy new home stuff thus after you two married, you don't have to buy home stuff again. but we didnt talk about marriage at those days.

anyway he found a little apartman with two rooms,a little kitchen with no windows,a bathroom with no windows. initially it was a too dark house for us but after searching an apartman for so long we accepted this basement-ish house.

it was time to getting home items and even if we don't talk of marriage that was the time of thinking about it for both of us. (new home stuff or second-hand home stuff) and it was the time if i would continue my revenge plan or would i listen my feelings? which was the right decision for me? i fell in love with him soooooo deply but he wasnt with me when they kicked me out of the house. actually he messed with me when i told him that they went to izmir to tell my family it.
i was so indesicive.. love was on one side and leaving me alone with that bad (sad) situation on the otherhand. it was a hard and sharp decision, i couldnt turn my back on myself for a guy who left me alone in that bad situation. what was the right way for both me and my heart?

while thinking all that thoughts, i was going to my dormitory.

my sister married a month ago so i had to move my family's house. it was a very tiring time for me. we bought every little thing which a new house need and i was at outside almost every hour of those days. at last it is over thanks god.

now it is a new house with new habits for me. actually i like my new room, yes it is small for me but good and cute :) ( i said small cause i have a lot of belongings)

let's come to new habits :
-for a long time i was alone at home from morning till night.. now? i cannot be alone even 1 hour for a day.
- for a long time i did housework by myself.. now? with my mother. this is a plus of my new home :)
-for a long time we did not receive guests.. now? we have guests once a week . this is not a plus ( i dont like guests )
- for a long time i had a good movie mate.. now? my family watch very different things :S
-for a long time i was the big one at the house.. now? i am the youngest one.( yes this a plus cause i 'm learning being the youngest one in a house.. i have to admit this a very new thing for me)
and i miss my cute cat ' galotti' ( he isn't with me)

hi me..
let me turn my past..
yes he began to like me it was good but i began to like him much more than i liked him before.that was an unexpected situation and it made my plans complicated to do. i couldn't act the way i want, i missed him, i wanted to see him and talked with him on phone everytime. so i pushed myself to follow my plan. by the way the day passed without any problems in my daily life. i was going to my faculty, sometimes meeting my close friends, studying my lessons. i had an accommodation, noone pushed me for praying in the early mornings or i could go to my dorm anytime i want..( wait for it my little free rabbit :)

we saw eachother three times a week and i planned each meeting for my side. for example my clothes, my acts, my words even my failing or winning at the games we played together.. all of them were planned by me :) at the end of the meeting days he liked me more than he did before.

he was my first man who kissed me. we were going to holidays together and began to stay together at nights. those days were so georgeus.i was loved by the man i loved. being loved by the man/woman you loved is a magic i think. it was such a magic that we want each other every moment. he was looking to me like i was the most charming girl in the world and he couldn't take his eyes on me...

guys.. i admit i was deeply in love with him.i felt like a woman for the first time.

by the way his elder brother continuosly urged him for money and he was staying with his brother and his brother's wife. after a while they began to argue about the money and my lover wanted to rent a house for staying with me. he left his brother's house and began to stay at his cafe's little room until he found a place to stay. however any homeowners didn't rent their apartments to a single man. maybe they were right at their sights i don' t know. the other problem was his being kurdish in the house searching process.

while he was searching an apartment and staying at his cafe's room,his clothes were getting dirty and i washed his clothes in my hands. why did i wash them in my hands'? guys, i could find only congregation houses which washed clothes cheaply and you know they shouldn't see a man's clothes in a girl's hands. washing a man's clothes was a problem even in a usual dorm. it was not really nice for me..

come on guys, his t-shirts, his jeans', his underwears..etc. all of them were dirty and smelled bad. after all i had began to love him for not a long time. washing shirts, socks and underwears were the easy part of my laundry adventure. the jeans.. my god until that time i didn't know how difficult it was to wash jeans by hand.( this is an advise : don't do that girl :))) )
the best thing about this bad experience was it tied us closer, made him a good man for marriage.

i am drinking tea while listening radio and watching ''zuhal topal'la sofrada'' now.. ( yes i am confused )
i wonder where the life goes to? the corona virus(covid-19) took lots of thing from human being.but we ( i mean only people) did so many bad things to our world and nature.it means we took lots of thing from nature and our world before it began to take something from us. i think it feeds us back .

our ancestors killed animals ( some hunters keep doing it), cut trees, made place dirty wherever they found. my friends, honestly i can't understand why someone kill an animal for only ownself pleasure( not for eat, not for fear it is just for fun), cut a tree or make dirty wherever they go..let's think about that.

as quickly as we must make our world heal cause if we don't do this, our future will be worse than our presents.
come on this is full closing process..let's guess some events during this time :)
i think many couple will divorce even married couples and lovers, some people commit suicide and some of us realise who we really love or not. this is the most important one i mean realising who we really love or not. yes this long quarantine days in turkey will teach us it. one more thing.. these days will teach us who we really are..
do we really know our homemates? :) help us lord. ( actually i don't want to know and don't interesting in knowing anyone else but me)

17 days..seventeen days..

heyyy i discovered a dirty song named ' jvla- such a whore (stellular remix)' .. i like this version of the song. i fell in love with this version of it because of the clip from the beastar animation. legoshi and hal's love makes me believe in possibilities.

did you watch 'beastar' anime? guys if you like animations you must watch it. if you watched it already and waiting it's new episodes like me please tell me so i can tell you when i see it's new episodes.

actually i should have some rest right now. but who cares?
i shouldnt drink so much tea.i guess i drink tea so much cause of the cold weather. am i right? do you drink tea so much nowadays like me?

and my friends , i shouldn't listen botan beyaz so much. i think i am in love with his voice and his stile :)
look at his voice : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYRyeSBgtqk

he also is a handsome and cute guy but little than me :(
hahhaa :) look at me guys :)
anyway he will be able to be a world wide famous singer i hope..
hmmm

that year was my second year at istanbul university.. life became beautiful for me. my roommates, classmates are good and and i don't have to explain anything to anybody. the previous year had gone thanks god.i hadnt gone any good place in istanbul until that year.
yes my friends i could go to taksim at that year. it was so alive, loudly...my heart was throbbing while i was walking down the streets.. what a big, attractive city ohh god i am in love with you istanbul.
i shouldnt worry about the return time until 11:00 p.m. so i began to buy little sweet, good clothes, makeup materials and skin care products for hours and hours. that was a part of my plan. ( now i don't remember which clothes i bought but i saved a lot of money the previous summer holiday.)
yes finally i was able to finish the shopping in a shop at beşiktaş and went my dorm. hmmm i ate dinner, talked my bf at phone, had shower and checked what i bought all day long.
according to my plan i had to do face mask every other day, i had to do sports 3 days in a week etc.
so i made face mask and did my homework. we were going to meet a few days later, for this reason i had to decide what to wear.my clothes were not bad but i couldn't decide which perfume to use. i couldnt use my daily perfume, it had to smell so good indirectly i should have smelled so good too. the next day i had to look for a good perfume.

my lessons were at very early time in the mornings so i woke up at six a.m. had breakfast and went my faculty. after my lessons finished i went to a perfumery. i bought a latest and good perfume for my special days.( it was so expensive so i couldn't buy it cash, used my credit card)

by the way i didnt know if he broke up with that girl or not. ( he said he broke up with that girl but how could i know if it was right or not?). but it was not problem for me anymore.

the meeting day came and i woke up, wore my new clothes, went to hairdresser and went to his cafe. when he saw me he was very surprised cause he didnt see me like that before. ( guys i was so beautiful that day ayıptır söylemesi ) he couldnt take his eyes from me hahhahha :)
not only him but also his customers couldnt take their eyes from me. we shook hands, his waiter took tea for us and we had some chat.by the way the male customers came but didnt go ;) ( yes they stayed for me ) so he was jealous of me i felt that. cause he sent me to a table which was not visible from the front. and he didnt take care of his phone . that time i understood he had really left her. this was good for me. he became a vulnerable hunt, i had no opponent and i could go to hunt him. (oh my boy wait for being a real lover )

while he was dealing with customers i went to his little special room and sprayed my perfume on me once,for keeping my smell there.( but it must be seen by random so i didnt sprayed it on anything but me.) that day's mission was completed. everything was done just the way i wanted them.
that day was the day he really began to like me ( he said it to me later).

a couple of hours later i went to my dorm.

sn. vegan martı'ya yanıt :

kural 7'yi bırakın hiç bir kuralı okumadım. sonuçta burası blogsözlük ve herkes blog yazıp burdan duyuruyor bloglarında yayınladıkları yeni yazılarını. ben bir blog açmadım ve bu başlığı kendi blogum olarak kullanıyorum. eğer bir sıkıntı olursa da yapacağım bir şey yok ama ingilizcemi geliştirmek için yaptığım bir şey ve beni eğlendiriyor. bana henüz bu konuyla ilgili moderatörlerden bir uyarı gelmedi. sonuçta kimseye hakaret etmiyorum, siyasete girişmiyorum sadece yaşadığım zorlu bir dönemimi anlatıyorum. ve sizi rahatsız eden bir durum mu var merak ettim açıkçası.

sn. haplo means alone'a yanıt :
teşekkür ederim ancak her zaman müsait olamıyorum burda günlük yazmak için :)

sn. halaybaşı ruşen'e yanıt :
beni destekledin mi köstekledin mi anlamadım açıklarsan sevinirim :)

hi me again..

the days passed very fast without him. i went izmir after exams and stayed with my family for 3 months.those days were so good for me but not good for my family. cause i had a bad father who doesnt love us.
anyway after summer holiday i went back istanbul. my big problem was i didnt have got a place to stay and my lessons started. the second problem was i havent got any other clothes with me. cause my family want to sent them after i got a place for staying.( why i didnt have got a place to stay? :)) cause they threw me out of the house. the reason was ' i had got a boyfriend' . )

one of my classmate took me her dormitory in secret. yes i stayed secretly at a dormitory for a week. while going to my college or applying for a government dorm i went out secretly. at last i found a place for staying in a government dorm thank god. those days were both sad and also funny for me. i made a lot of friends at that dorm, they had free minds and hearts. actually i still seeing one of them ..

i took my suitcase, prepared the documents which they wanted for applying and went my new dorm. after the applying procedures i went to my room. it was for six person,has 6 beds and cabinets, has a table and only a chair. put my some stuff into my cabinet, took off my clothes and went my bed. called my family for informing that i found a place and want my clothes. then i fell asleep.

he called me several times and send messages while i was sleeping. it smiles me even now :) think about that, i was expelled from my previous stıdent house because of him and he didnt help me with the problems at that situation.. did i still love him?.. why? why? it wasnt a pure love i think now, it turned into a ego war for me.. yes ! i made a plan for him guys dont worry for it ;) and i won my little war :) my plan was 'make him fall in love with myself and left him like a homeless guy ' . ( remember i was expelled cause of him )

while we were talking at phone, i didnt show him my real intention and talked like there didnt any problem with us about my throwing away from previous house.we decided to seeing eachother again as lovers.
and i started to think about the details of my plan. meanwhile it was dinner time and my roommates came one by one. they were all medical students and at the begining they were good people. ( they were good friends really ) we met eachother and ate dinner together at dorm's cafe.

after dinner they ordered me tea and we went to my new dorm's terrace and chatted a little to get to know eachother. they were all a doctor candidate and i was a unemployed candidate cause of my branch. anyway after tea, they went to study their lessons and i went to shower. ( they gave me some clothes for wearing at dorm ).

while doing these things, i was also thinking about my plan's details. the most important point was not pity for him while taking my revenge cause i still liked him. but how could i make him fall in love with me?

Üşenmemiş kuralları okumuş sonra dedektifliğe girişmiş derler adama.
Sözlükte O kadar çok entry var ki kurallara uymayan, bırakın mod'lar halletsin bu işi.
Tanımımızı da girelim : ingiliççe açılmış başlık

günlük tutan insanlara hep imrenmişimdir ama bu başka bir boyut sen günlük tutan insanların en güzeli sen aydınlatırsın geceyi '*') ama yaz yani okuması keyif veriyor takibe aldım bugün saat 17.00 gibi bekliyorum yeni gününü.

Bak bak bir de anlamayalım diye ingilizce yazmis (dil çıkaran tatlı komik emoji)

ı would like to inform you that this is not only a diary, this is also a real love story and i am a woman who lives in a muslim country. so i cant write every details of it sorry for that :) please guess the unwritten things.

nowadays i am very busy oh my lord i am so sleepy like i am a walking sleep( evet yürüyen uyku gibiyim) .
nowadays i began pilates cause my waist is so weak according to other person's waists. but after started doing pilates i realize that i need it not just for my healt but also for my soul. now i feel so good during my dailylife. for example before pilates i went bed at early times after work,but now even if i am tired i can do anything i want and 6 hours sleep is enough for me, i can do my daily personel care like face mask, hair mask, etc. but still my days are so full and it is tiring despite pilates.

so see u soon diary kisses

the meeting day came at last. we didnt see eachother for months and i was so excited.what would i wear, how would i catch up 17.00 o'clock ( his cafe was far away from my dormitory) and i didnt know istanbul .

woke up in the early morning and went to school fortunately that day's lessons finished at noon. i did make up and took a bus to his cafe. in istanbul's traffic my way took 2 hours but in normally it takes 30 minutes i guess.

and i saw him, how i missed my sweet guy. i don't remember what he weared but he was and is a handsome, very charming man. (my heart was beating like it would come out). we drank tea and began talking about our changes. while we were talking his phone began ringing. he didnt pick up his phone and muted the phone. while we were talking i could see his phone's light on and off regularly so i suspected why he didnt answer it.

some customers came and went meanwhile. and when he went to loo i took his phone. it was ringing still.his male friend was calling ( was it a man ? ofcourse it was a girl with a man's name ) wait for it and i began to look at his messages. yes there was a lot of messages form a girl. they talked about everything but me. i began to cry cause he is my first lover.dear me what a bad situation i was in. about 10 minutes later he came. i asked him who is blabla? he was shocked, his face turned red.

left him there and went my dormitory. i deleted his number, messages and photos ; threw away his gifts which he gave me before. that day i waited him to call me or text me but he didnt. he didnt call or text for a week. and that week a new song came out from seksendört. the song suited my situation :) it's name is ' ölürüm hasretinle ' . yes that song fuck my heart over and over for months.

let's turn his calling. he said he was very sorry, it was only for fun ( o my god really? for fun? who said a person ' aşkım, tatlım etc. ' for fun? ), he loved me very much etc. but it was not enough for me and i said i didnt love him anymore ( haha i was deeply love him while i was saying that) and i wanted to focus on my university life.' sorry and dont call me anymore' was my last words.
after hang up the phone, i began to cry again cause i was in love with him. in the meantime i thought to begin knitting the scarf for valentines day gift. why? cause i was such a stupid who thought knitting scarf for a guy who cheat on her.

as the days passed my exams began and i started to study for my exams and began to make friends at my dormitory. but it was so hard if each of you were totally incompatible. not problem for me, i had already a full schedule and it was ramadan days.

arkadaşlar, ingilizce bilenler kontrol etsin. belki sövüyo ne belli yani. :)

what a borring day for me or should i say my every day is borring nowadays.
wake up, eat breakfast, smoke cigarette, wash dishes, take shower, clean house, cook sth whatever u want, check ösym and memurlar.net.ilan, talk your mother, watch a movie etc. but my days with father were worse than now. ( thank god for my current days )

anyway i began to go university at 2005. my first day was not bad. we didnt learn sth but met eachother. all my classmates are only 50 person and they were from different cities. our teacher asked each of us what's our name, age, from which high school we graduated , from which city we came to istanbul etc.

after that i came to my dormitory. the dormitory has a lot of rules and bans. for example i couldnt stay outside after 17.00, couldnt smoke cigarette or couldnt stay at a friend's home.. yes it was very hard for me cause i didn't want to live a dormitory like that but it was my family's request. the most important thing they banned was ' you can not date a boy if u dont want to marry him' . and i have got a boyfriend as you know even if he didnt call me and cheated me at those days :))

meanwhile he had 2 girlfriends including me. of course i didnt know it at that time. hmm at that time i wanted to knit a scarf for him for valentines day. what a bad idea girl dont knit please dont..

yes he didnt call me or text me still. i called him cause i wondered if he was good or not. he was upset while we were talking, cause his big brother wanted to cooperate his cafe together. it meant big brother want to be his boss and my bf bought that cafe by all his money. but for their tradition it isnt problem for family actually it was the right thing if 2 brothers were away from family. we talked about daily stuff and we arranged the meeting day.

after hung up the phone, my roommates asked with whom i was talking. my god they were little ugly spies.( i didnt know that they were spies those days. i learned it after a year )
and i ate dinner alone in refectory then began to read a book which has no means but love.

now thinking of that, it was very clear that i wasnt belog there. i even couldnt smoke at my room or at dormitory so i had to wait going to university for smoking. for a while i did like that. didnt smoke at dormitory and smoked at university. it was very childish thing but necessary to adapt.

meantime today my neighbour's cat got lost. the day began weird for me and them. fortunately someone found pussy cat and brought it to me. cause neighbour wasnt at his home.
cat's name is misket, he is very little , his fur is all white and very sweet. our cats hissed to him anytime they saw misket. at night they came and took their cat.

we look forward to the continuation of the story.

yasemin dışında hiçbir şey anlamadım ama beğendim.